A difficult, high conflict case
Attorney Cartier had a difficult case a few years ago. The parents were married for 7 years during which marital relations broke down, then decided to separate. They came to attorney Cartier to mediate the custody of their two children, ages four and six.

At the beginning of the mediation process, the mother wanted 100% of the time with the children, unwilling to allow any overnights with the father. By the end of the process, the couple decided that all four of them would be better off if the father had over 40% of nights with the children. Only his difficult work schedule prevented equal shared custody.

If each of the parents had hired a lawyer to litigate the case, they may very well have ended up with a lifetime of resentment and antagonism that would have seriously damaged their two children. The damage may have extended into the adult lives of the children as in some of the cases discussed by Judge Elaine Gordon in this video: https://jud.ct.gov/Publications/videos/children_first.htm.

Moving from antagonism to cooperation on raising two children
How did the parents move from antagonism to cooperation? How did they get to the point where they recognize that the parents living in separate households would still be part of a four-person family requiring coordination and cooperation among the parents?

First, they had to overcome control issues. The mother began the process by demanding 100% of the overnights. Discussion with attorney Cartier helped the mother realize that she had professional and personal interests that would benefit from sharing the children with their father. This required getting beyond outdated cultural views of the mother as the only parent who could nurture children. An older generation might have viewed the mother as living primarily to raise her children, denying the importance of her professional and social activities.

Secondly, it required dealing with the father’s issue with substance abuse. The substance abuse related to seven years in a dysfunctional marriage without any significant intimacy between the parents. Once the two parents recognized that the substance abuse could be addressed more easily when the father was living separately, they began to come to a custody agreement.

Finally, it required coming to an agreement about family assets and child support. This was a huge barrier, but also a facilitator. In Connecticut, marital assets are typically shared equally after divorce, per state law. As the primary breadwinner, the mother was resistant to sharing marital assets. The fact that Connecticut law requires sharing could be traded off against the fact that Connecticut child support guidelines don’t recognize the financial needs of both parents where custody is shared roughly equally.

How attorney Cartier facilitated agreement
How did attorney Cartier encourage the parents to reach an agreement? She works on a flat fee basis, so when the parents initially were far apart, she simply let them talk from their separate positions. Then, based on her extensive experience with high conflict cases, she was able to introduce the benefits from sharing custody of the two children. One thing that united the parents was their common love for their children. However, in the end, it was the benefits to each of the parents that had the greater influence on their negotiation. As a skilled mediator, attorney Cartier was able to help the parents realize that it would be to their long-term advantage to reach an agreement without litigation. The resulting agreement is likely to be more durable than a litigated agreement.